arrgghhh....

If anyone is sensing a mood of hostility and frustration in my blog entries, then I'm probably getting my emotions across successfully. I have been back for less than a week, and while I consider myself a patient person, I suppose I have the least patience when it comes to me. I've been really struggling with the time zone difference of four hours and have found myself up til 2am, trying to sleep, knowing I have to wake up before 7am on a regular basis for work. And not being able to exercise has really created a feeling of restlessness - I ask my foot each night to please heal, I promise I will take better care. I no longer walk with my super obvious limp and have much less pain than even a few days ago, but I need to be able to run as fast as I want and feel free and be able to completely exhaust myself or the stress starts to build. A friend of mine did leave me his bike while away on business, but do I dare brave the city streets on my own? I'm thinking about it.

I'm also feeling a bit stressed that my luxurious mornings spent at outdoor cafes writing in my journal followed by strolls around town, reading in the park, striking up conversations with whomever, are coming to an end, and it is time to start (yikes!) work. Of course, there is no way I'd be able to stay here doing nothing, financially or for fear of completely losing my sense of worth in the world, feeling a need to help others, contribute, and be connected to a community. So while it's all good and positive, and I am so thankful that I have these projects before me that seemed to manifest themselves out of nowhere (I count myself as very lucky and very fortunate to have had circumstances arise at the right time), I can't help but have that feeling that one has before they take a leap off a cliff, or something similar. I have taken many leaps in the past months, and so far have consistently landed on my feet, so I have that to go on and quell my fears - it all seems to work out. It goes contrary to what one might usually think feels "right," stay safe and secure, stay where you feel comfortable, where you are protected. It seems that when I try to do that, everything goes wrong and I find myself painted into a corner. When I am out in the world, teetering on the edge, often feeling completely strung out, going through a full range of emotions on a regular basis - while this is uncomfortable, to me, it's worth it. I feel alive. I am growing and expanding and this can be painful. But what's even more painful is watching yourself wither away from decay and lack of growth.